Bytes

Thursday, April 18, 2024

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The bigger the hat, the smaller the property.

- Outback Australian saying

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Following on from yesterday’s Quote of the Day from Justice Lee - “Having escaped the lions’ den, Mr. Lehrmann made the mistake of going back for his hat.” – today’s theme is hats.

Enjoy, Byters.

As usual, a caution that there is risqué and non-PC content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

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A non-hat item sent to me by Steve:

A guy is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!...

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Little Johnny missed school one day

The next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied: "I had to take the cow to be inseminated by a bull."

The teacher asked, "Couldn't your daddy have done that?"

To which Johnny replies, "Maybe, but the bull does it better."

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After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

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Little Johnny was in class at school when his teacher asked 'Jane. What did you do last weekend?

'I went for a ride on a choo choo train.' Jane replied proudly.

'That's fantastic!' replied the teacher, 'but you need to use grown up words. Next time just say train, not choo choo train. Tim, what did you do last weekend?'

Tim thought for a second and said 'I went to granny and grampys house.'

'Oh, that's lovely' replied teacher, 'but remember to use grown up words. Grandma and grandpa. Johnny, what did you do last weekend? And remember to use grown up words.'

Johnny though for a few seconds and said 'I read a book'

'Oh very good. What was the name of the book?'

'Whinny The Shit.'

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#1:

On a windy day, a man sees an elderly rabbi get his hat blown off...

The man chases after the hat and manages to retrieve it. The rabbi is very grateful, and he hands him a $20 bill and says "God bless you, young man!"

Later, the man goes to the racetrack, and he sees that one of the horses in the first race is named "Top Hat." He thinks to himself "This must be a sign! The rabbi gave me a blessing!" So he bets $20 on Top Hat, and the horse comes in first place.

On the next race, he bets $100 on a horse named Stetson, and the odds are even longer, but it comes in first as well. Now he's really sure of himself, and on the next race, he bets all his winnings on a horse named Chateau, at 100-1 odds. But to his shock, the horse comes in dead last.

Dejected, the man goes home to his wife and explains what happened.

"You idiot!" says his wife. "Chateau is a house, chapeau is a hat! We could have been rich!"

"It wouldn't have mattered," says the man. "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."

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#2:

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From Bytes, May 5, 2017:

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A few weeks ago I posted a joke recounted to me by trivia competitor and friend, John. It concerned a Jewish man buying alligator shoes. After I posted that joke John took me to task for not having told it properly, stopping just short of saying I had ruined it. He therefore sent me an email with his version.

Here are the two versions:

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As I posted it –

Moshe had always wanted a pair of alligator shoes but had never been able to afford them. One day he sees a pair in the Selfridges Sale priced at only £39.99. He couldn’t believe it. They even had his size. So he buys them and proudly wears them to go home.

When he gets home, he stands in front of his wife and says, "Sadie, do you notice anything different about me?"

She looks him up and down and says, "Moshe, you look the same to me. You’re wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same trousers. So you tell me, what’s different?"

But Moshe won’t give up easily. He goes into the bedroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, other than his new shoes.

Once again he stands in front of Sadie and says, "Sadie, now do you notice anything different about me?"

Once again she looks him up and down, then says, "Moshe, it looks the same to me. It's hanging down just as it was hanging down yesterday. No doubt it will be still hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily, Moshe says, "Do you know why it’s hanging down, Sadie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking directly at my new shoes!"

Sadie replies, "You should have bought a hat!"

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As John sent it to me:

Hymie, a little old Jewish tailor, who has bought himself and his wife nothing in all their years together, is walking home from work when he passes a shoe shop.

There in the middle of the window is a pair of alligator skin shoes.

Hymie is smitten.

“I must have these shoes,” he says as he walks excitedly into the shop.

He tries the shoes on. They are a perfect fit.

The shop assistant offers to wrap them.

“No,” says Hymie. “I’m going to vear them home.”

On his way home, he calls out to passers-by: “Hey, lady! Look at my new shoes!” “Hey, mister! Look at my new shoes!”

He arrives home, still buoyed by the excitement of having his alligator skin shoes.

“Rachel,” he calls to his wife.

“Vot is it?” she says.

Hymie motions to her to look at him. He asks: “Vot do you see vot’s different?”

Rachel looks dismissively: “Vot do I see vot’s different? The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly. Vot’s different?”

Hymie leaves the room, then returns completely naked – apart from the new shoes.

“Now, vot do you see vot’s different?” he says.

“Vot do I see vot’s different?” says Rachel. “The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly, the same old limp thing hanging down.”

“Vot do you mean ‘hanging down’,” says Hymie. “It’s pointing at my new shoes.”

“Next time,” says Rachel. “Buy a new hat!”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A well-equipped fellow in school

Had the whole class admiring his tool.

This magnificent dong

Was quite twelve inches long

Though it wasn’t much use as a rule.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

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I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.

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I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

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Did you hear about the Italian who broke both of his arms?

He couldn't talk for a whole month.

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

By Justice Lee in his judgment on the Bruce Lehrmann defamation case against Channel 10 and journo Lisa Wilkinson. Lehrmann brought a costly and risky defamation case against Ten and Wilkinson after his criminal trial for rape of Brittany Higgins was aborted owing to juror misconduct. He did not face a second trial. Justice Lee found on the civil standard of proof. That is, on the balance of probabilities, that Lehrmann had raped Britttany Higgins and found for the defendants. He will likely be ordered to pay costs in the millions.

Quote:

“Having escaped the lions’ den, Mr Lehrmann made the mistake of going back for his hat.”

Justice Lee

MORE MISCELLANEOUS FACTS

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Dinosaur poo:

Dinosaurs, like all animals, needed to expel waste. Sometimes pieces of dinosaur faeces turned into fossils, called coprolites. Some palaeontologists specialise in studying coprolites and use them to understand what food dinosaurs ate, and how they fit into larger food chains.

The most famous dinosaur coprolite is an enormous specimen found in Late Cretaceous rocks in Canada. At over 30cm long and more than two litres in volume, this huge piece of scat could only have been produced by the largest predator in the ecosystem: Tyrannosaurus rex.

This fossil is important because it is full of chunks of bone, which reveals that T Rex could bite so hard that it crushed the bones of its prey, a highly unusual way of eating with no obvious modern equivalent.

Dinosaur coprolite

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Identical twins and fingerprints:

The likelihood of two people sharing identical fingerprints by chance is estimated to be less than one in 64 billion.

Even identical twins – who have the same DNA sequence and tend to share a very similar appearance – have slightly different fingerprints. That’s because fingerprints are influenced by both genetic and environmental factors during development in the womb.

Although their shared DNA means identical twins’ fingerprints do tend to be more similar than those of strangers, forensic experts and state-of-the-art recognition software can still spot the difference.

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A headless chicken:

A chicken once lived for 18 months without a head.

Mike lived for 18 months in 1947 after his head had been cut off, surviving because most of his brain stem remained intact and it did not bleed to death due to a blood clot.

Farmer Lloyd Olsen of Fruita, Colorado, attempted to behead Mike at the behest of his mother in law for supper but was unsuccessful. The axe removed the bulk of the head, but missed the jugular vein, leaving one ear and most of the brain stem intact.

The chicken was still able to balance on a perch and walk clumsily. It attempted to preen, peck for food, and crow, though with limited success; his "crowing" consisted of a gurgling sound made in his throat. When Mike did not die, Olsen decided to care for the bird. He fed it a mixture of milk and water via an eyedropper, and gave it small grains of corn and worms.

Once his fame had been established, Mike began a career of touring sideshows in the company of the Olsens.

In 1947, at a motel in Phoenix, Arizona on a stopover while traveling back from tour, Mike started choking in the middle of the night. It had managed to get a kernel of corn in his throat. The Olsens had inadvertently left their feeding and cleaning syringes at the sideshow the day before, and so were unable to save Mike.

Mike the chicken's feat was recorded back in the 1940s in the USA. He survived as his jugular vein and most of his brainstem were left mostly intact, ensuring just enough brain function remained for survival. In the majority of cases, a headless chicken dies in a matter of minutes.

Mike the Headless Chicken is a cultural institution in Fruita, Colorado, with an annual "Mike the Headless Chicken Day", the third weekend of May since 1999. Events held include the "5K Run Like a Headless Chicken Race", egg toss, "Pin the Head on the Chicken", the "Chicken Cluck-Off", and "Chicken Bingo", in which chicken droppings on a numbered grid choose the numbers.

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Oldest dog:

The world’s oldest dog lived to 29.5 years old. While the median age a dog reaches tends to be about 10-15 years, one Australian cattle dog, ‘Bluey’, survived to the ripe old age of 29.5.

Bluey worked as a cattle and sheep dog for nearly 20 years. He died on November 14, 1939, just three years after he was named the oldest dog in the world. He took the title at 29 years and five months and his feat was later enshrined in the Guinness World Records.

Oops. wrong Bluey

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Octopuses don’t actually have tentacles. They have eight limbs, but they're arms (for most species). Technically, when talking about cephalopods (octopuses, squids etc), scientists define tentacles as limbs with suckers at their end. Octopus arms have suckers down most of their length.

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

LIFE HACK

Monday, April 15, 2024

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

AESOP’S FABLES

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("Kid" as in young goat).

A kid was perched up on the top of a house, and looking down saw a wolf passing under him. Immediately he began to revile and attack his enemy. "Murderer and thief," he cried, "what do you here near honest folks' houses? How dare you make an appearance where your vile deeds are known?"

"Curse away, my young friend," said the Wolf.

"It is easy to be brave from a safe distance."

Alternative version:

A kid, being mounted upon the roof of a shed, and seeing a wolf below, loaded him with all manner of reproaches. The wolf, looking up, replied “Do not value yourself, vain creature, upon thinking you mortify me; for I look upon this ill language, as not coming from you, but from the place which protects you.”

Sunday, April 14, 2024

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

PHOTOS FROM THE PAST

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I know that the heading is tautologous, because every photograph is a photo of the past, even if only from one minute ago, but you know what I mean.

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By the way:

The word photograph was coined in 1839 by Sir John Herschel and is based on the Greek phos, meaning "light," and graphê, meaning "drawing, writing," together meaning "drawing with light."